Screaming in Wingdings

I can’t believe this is what my life has come to. I had much better ideations of the future when I was younger, is life really this shitty for everyone? It’s taking all of my power to not lose my shit, I can’t believe that this is what I’ve been reduced to. 

Anus 

You ever do impulse purchases? I do them constantly, but some are more practical, like new clothes or a backpack so I can stop using reusable grocery bags to carry drugs around. Others, are $90 on the new Hot Wheels game so you can play three days early. I’ll find out in three hours if this was a good purchase; local split screen was what sold me so I will get some money’s worth, but $90 wasn’t the best idea when I’ve already been shitty at saving money.

I’m posting this one late and it’s the first time I’m doing it. I was proud of myself for keeping up with it so well but some days you just really really don’t want to do a thing. In some ways I’ve gotten so much better in the past year and I acknowledge it but it feels like I have so much longer to go. But giving up isn’t going to get me anywhere. 

I wanna marry a hot GILF

I made a post earlier but then I got an error. Then none of my posts would load. It just told me to refresh and so I did a few times, restarted my app and nothing. I saved the post as a draft, went to my drafts and it wasn’t there. There wasn’t anything. I’m only telling you this because I didn’t want to come up with another topic. 

Money is the most mixed concept to me. Because I fucking hate the feeling of anxiety from not having it, worrying about how to get it, the stress, the toxicity it creates, all of it. But man do I like buying shit. 

I’ve been too afraid to do online dating up until yesterday. I didn’t expect to get laid by now but man is it discouraging. Ideally I could just meet someone in person, I hate the idea of getting to know someone through an app if I have romantic intentions. And of course, all the girls I know worth dating have serious boyfriends and would never go out with me anyways. I’m not even aiming too high, I just want something. 

It’s so hard to tell if I’m over reacting or if you’re actually this stupid. It blows my mind that you think half the stuff you do is socially acceptable. Stop guilting me into hanging out with you it is just embarrassing. 

Being a trust fund baby sounds amazing. Just sitting there, doing nothing and making an income by being yourself. You learn no skills, do what you want, destroy your body, die at a young age from multiple health issues and give absolutely nothing back to society. God. What a dream. 

All I’ve ever wanted was to be with someone. Why am I so alone?

Sometimes your rudeness absolutely astounds me. Like how could you think any of this is okay? I just couldn’t comprehend thinking it’s appropriate to do half the things you do, it genuinely feels like I’m talking with a five year old. 

I just feel like shit

The pressure in my head is insane. Moving feels like my brain sloshing around. Might’ve gotten out of doing anything but god damn 

It sucks to lose someone, even if you never knew them, they made you laugh and gave you memories. 

Why would someone invite you over while they’re just doing other stuff? Cleaning the house and looking at your phone? You think I just wanna sit here while you’re entertained? I couldn’t fathom thinking like this, it’s insane to me.

Why is it so hard to do anything? I just want to relax, doing anything takes so much energy and I’m still trying my best. I still exercise daily, I still do my daily routines, but I hate that asking anymore of me feels like moving the sun. 

I don’t want you to depend on me. I don’t want you to be upset, I don’t want you to hurt, but please stop depending on me to feel better. I tried so hard for years and I was never appreciated or reciprocated for any of it, but you still want me to comfort you. I know you would do the same for me now, but after all those years of pushing me away I don’t really want to now. I’m tired, I just want to rest. 

Good God, hurry the fuck up. Your family genuinely doesn’t like you. You have been nothing but a burden on all of us, you have done nothing but steal and lie and hurt us all. I might sympathize for you because of all the trauma you’ve been through, but that doesn’t absolve you of all the bullshit you’ve done. Especially right now. Please, just hurry the fuck up. 

I hate it when you think things are gonna work out for the day, you just have this feeling where everything is gonna go well, and then the exact opposite happens. I really hope she stops shitting soon.

The amount it takes to be happy is insane. I feel like I need to be buying something new constantly when I have no money to really spend. I just want to be content with what I have but I feel like I can’t be. 

 I’m driving down a busy road, stressed about making it to a doctor’s appointment. Then my phone rings. It’s my friend that I talk to everyday, so I answer it. She explains the situation she’s in; it’s on-going and there’s a new development. I understand WHAT is going on, but I’ve never had to deal with something like this so I don’t really have any specific advice to give, but I still try to reassure her.  “Well I’m sure everything will work out,” I tell her. “Wow, that’s so unhelpful,” she replies in the snottiest tone possible. I’m kind of baffled. Was I suppose to fix all her problems in one sentence? “Well what do you want me to say?” “You could tell me what to say to her.” I have absolutely no idea how to fix this problem. “I don’t know!” I say with a tone of frustration. “Well then I’ll talk you later.” And then I hang up. Ten hours later and I’m still super upset over this. Am I suppose to just fix everyone’s problems? And when I can’t I’m a useless asshole? What even ...